Change

Change is so hard, and I've never handled it well.

So, obviously the biggest change right now is my apartment. The quiet, the emptiness, the... Toby-less-ness.

I probably should have left this weekend, gotten out of town, away from my apartment.

After all, it is the only home I've ever had in Tulsa, the place Toby & I lived for four years.

But- I needed to be there, alone. To experience every painful moment, by myself. To wake up, to go to sleep. To feel it.

I needed to sit on the patch of carpet where Toby used to stretch every morning. I needed to cry on the chair he used to sleep on. I needed to walk around and look under the bed and in the shower, looking for him, just in case this was all a really bad dream.

I feel stronger today, and I probably will every day. I'm a little less angry. I have even ventured out to Starbucks with my laptop.

It's the little victories, right?

Change. You come, whether we like it or not.