Monday, August 30, 2010
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I know, the title sounds a bit intimidating- but it's actually such a refreshing read. Don't get me wrong, it's very deep. And it's making me really take a good long look at my current heartache.
I'm only a few chapters in- and so far, I've been challenged to come face to face with my heartache, struggle with my own doubts and insecurities, and best of all- accept healing.
Isn't that an amazing concept?! I think so. I think it's easy to let things snowball. When life falls apart, to let it all collect into this giant heap of bitterness, and "why me."
I'm choosing the hard road- to accept healing. And, we all know who the ultimate healer is.
So, here's how I'm healing. I'm working hard. I'm remembering the joy. I'm running. I'm making time for daily "quiet time." I'm making dates with friends here in Tulsa. I'm house hunting. I'm praying. I'm planning a trip to see my family & friends in Plano. And, I'm dreaming up a few big things that I put on the back burner, for whatever reason.
So, that's Lindsay Lately. Now, I'm off to get a pedicure.
I mean, who said healing has to be completely painful? :)
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
But right now, this blog is serving as my therapist. So, hang in there.
I'm happy to report... you were all right. Time (and a LOT of prayer) really does heal all wounds, and I feel like I'm not as raw right now. I think that counts as healing.
But, I'm dealing with two very different kinds of grief right now, and that's where it gets tricky.
I'm grieving the loss of my Toby. Death, sudden and final.
And I'm grieving the loss of a relationship, of a best friend. Hurt, sadness.
Either way, I'm left with an aching heart.
I wake up, and have some quiet time, and I'm ready for the day. I get to work, and I have responsibilities and meetings and work.
But when I come home... the walls I've carefully put up all day, the facade of strength crumbles a bit. There's no one to see me cry, no one who's depending on me. So, evenings are hard. Going to bed is hard.
But, the healing has started. So, thanks for the prayers, the cards, the texts, the emails, the facebook messages, the tweets, the blog posts. (Wow, can we say social media addict?!)
Every single one makes me feel so loved, and so blessed.
Now, if I could only make the clock speed up a bit between the hours of 8pm and midnight. :)
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
A few weeks ago, my Toby-cat passed away. Quickly, suddenly. And just when the sharpest edge of pain was starting to fade from that loss- my heart broke all over again. It seems that my relationship of 2.5 years is ending, too.
Just typing that paragraph takes my breath away. A month and a half ago, everything seemed so right in the world. I had a relationship I was proud of, that I thought was heading towards something. I had a furry cuddlebug to come home to. A job, family, friends. And now, I feel like the rug has been pulled out from under me.
I feel so selfish saying that. God has blessed me so greatly. My family- what can I say. Tight-knit and supportive, encouraging. Healthy. My friends- I've learned the true definition of friendship these past few weeks. I know I am beyond blessed.
But that doesn't keep the dark moments from sneaking up on me. Pictures I put up just weeks ago seem like a different life- a different Lindsay. Sometimes I look at her and want to go back and warn her that her world will be turned upside down- that grief and heartache are just weeks, days away.
But I can't go back. I can only go foward, with the belief that God is doing something really special that requires a complete change in course. I don't want to waste a minute questioning God's plan for me- even though it may hurt. I have too much to be thankful for, and I can't lose sight of that, ever. No matter what.
This song says it all- thanks, Mom.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
By clicking the VIP Lounge button on my blog... you will enter a word of champagne toasts, adorable DIY party ideas, champagne, invitations, themes, menus, champagne, gift ideas, and more!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
I heard this song called "Lead Me" by Sanctus Real on the radio on my way home from work tonight. This is a clip about the meaning behind the song, and then you hear the last chorus at the very end. I am just so in love with this song, with the honesty in the message. If you want to hear the whole song without the story, go to Sanctus Real's website.
Friday, August 13, 2010
But, it also included some really good memories. And some amazing people. And a lot of prayers.
I'm a blessed girl, and I know it.
And while my heart still physically aches- I'm trying to find my new normal and hold on to the happy.
Something that makes me realllly happy? Fall! Here are a few things I'm already "falling" for...
This leather jacket from Topshop. I'm absolutely crazy about it! It's at the top of my "must purchase" list.
I also wouldn't mind a pair of classy, straight cut jeans from The Gap. Notice, I did not say skinny jeans. These are specifically straight cut. I think my skinny days are over- both in jean sizes and otherwise! :)
Ever since last fall, I've been wanting a pair of tall, flat boots. I love the slouch in these Gianni Bini's....But I think these Steve Madden's are a clear winner. Love 'em. Here's my camera! Nikon D5000. Yep, it's all picked out and ready to be charged to the Best Buy card.
But I'll definitely need it in time for....
San Francisco! I bought a ticket to attend the BlogHer Convention there next fall.
La Jolla. We have a date on August 4th of 2011. We'll remember what a tough day August 4th was in 2010- and how much better things are one year later.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
In explaining my feelings to a sweet co-worker, she nodded her head sympathetically- she, too, lost a beloved pet too soon- and told me, it's a "new normal."
Hmm, a new normal. I like that. It's become my mantra, the phrase I say to myself when my heart aches so badly it physically hurts. A new normal.
Waking up is different. Going to sleep is different. Coming home from work is different. Leaving dishes in the sink is different. After all, there is no "leftover food bandit" here anymore.
My apartment even smells different to me.
It's all different. A new normal.
Thanks to everyone for hanging in there while I go through this. I know you didn't become a fan of Lindsay's Lounge to read about Toby. But, this has become a huge source of comfort, and- let's be honest- therapy for me. It won't always be like this. In fact, I can't wait to show you a new feature soon that will be fun.
This blog will return to normal. Life will return to normal. Well- a new normal.
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
I picked Toby's ashes up from the vet hospital today. Of course, that opened up the wounds all over again. I still have a cry every day... but I don't cry quite as long. Maybe that's peace, or healing? It's something.
I'm working on a little tribute to Toby. A slideshow to put here on my blog, a positive reflection of his short little life. Since I've gotten SO many comments from you guys- I thought I'd open this tribute up a bit. If you have lost a loved pet and want to email me a picture- I will include it in the slideshow.
Thanks again for the support! I'm a blessed girl.
Oh, and send the pictures to firstname.lastname@example.org!
Monday, August 9, 2010
I have a new respect for people who put a smile on their face, even when their hearts are breaking.
I miss Toby sooo much- but, I'm really trying to hold on to the happy.
Like... how much support I've gotten from loved ones around me.
... And how God never said it would be easy... just that we wouldn't be alone. (Thanks for the reminder in the car, Ginny Owens!)
And how a year from now, i'll be looking back on this time right now, stronger. With a cocktail in hand as I gaze out at the beach.
No, really, it's true. I'll be in San Diego a year from now for the BlogHer Conference!
Holding on to the happy.
Sunday, August 8, 2010
So, obviously the biggest change right now is my apartment. The quiet, the emptiness, the... Toby-less-ness.
I probably should have left this weekend, gotten out of town, away from my apartment.
After all, it is the only home I've ever had in Tulsa, the place Toby & I lived for four years.
But- I needed to be there, alone. To experience every painful moment, by myself. To wake up, to go to sleep. To feel it.
I needed to sit on the patch of carpet where Toby used to stretch every morning. I needed to cry on the chair he used to sleep on. I needed to walk around and look under the bed and in the shower, looking for him, just in case this was all a really bad dream.
I feel stronger today, and I probably will every day. I'm a little less angry. I have even ventured out to Starbucks with my laptop.
It's the little victories, right?
Change. You come, whether we like it or not.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
But, I have to.
So, I'll start from the beginning.
I got Toby four years ago, October. My friend Heather adopted a kitten from her vet, and her kitten had a little brother that needed a home, too.
I was really hesitant about Toby at first- I am a teeny bit allergic to cats, and I just wasn't sure I was ready for the commitment.
Already knowing we were a good fit, my vet- Maggie- told me to take him home for 2 weeks. And, if we weren't a good fit, I could bring him back.
It didn't take two weeks- not even two days- for me to fall for the little guy.
Toby became my everything, my family here in Tulsa. He was so energetic and full of life from the get-go.
From jumping on my chest while I was sleeping... to putting his favorite toys in his water bowl (an act of true love, I concluded)... to stealing my rubber bands... to his passionate attempts at stealing freshly cooked pasta and tortilla chips... this little guy never stopped.
From being single to being in a relationship, through the transition of one job to another, from road trips to Dallas to cuddle nights at home... this little guy was my everything.
I've heard people say that your first pet just gets under your skin, and stays there forever. And, it's especially true when you don't have children yet. They are your children, your sole purpose and responsibility.
I'm struggling with that. I'm struggling with the fact that my number 1 responsibility, my baby, is gone.
Some people say it's better it happened so fast. But I just say, it's so unfair.
A few months ago, Toby's meow changed. It sounded different. And, he couldn't quite jump on the counter as easily as before. But, I didn't think much of it.
And I didn't think much of it when he didn't eat the whole 4th of July weekend I was out of town. He never eats when I'm gone. But, when he didn't eat for the whole week I was back... I knew something was wrong.
The vet diagnosed him with "fatty liver"- a condition that happens when an animal doesn't eat. the liver starts scarring itself. So, with a high protein diet and medicine, he started to feel better. His meow was normal again. His energy was back. He was making a full recovery.
But, we never knew why he stopped eating. We thought it was his social awkwardness. (My friends fondly knew Toby as the "emo" cat.)
Last Saturday night, I got home from a wedding, and I knew something was so, so wrong. It seemed like Toby lost 5 pounds in a day. The life was gone.
I stayed up all night, begging him to eat, even forcing him at times. Nothing worked.
Sunday, the vet told me to prepare to lose him. I couldn't understand. I didn't understand.
Monday, we went in for an ultrasound, and my hope returned. He needed emergency surgery to remove a "foreign object" from his intestine.
And, Monday afternoon, more hope. They found a piece of toy stuffing in his intestine. He would recover. Thank God.
Tuesday, they saw little to no improvement. They determined he had a bacteria infection and needed a second emergency surgery.
Toby's passionate surgeon worked 14 hours that day, and didn't charge me for the second surgery. They felt so sure they could save him, and they were doing whatever they could.
Wednesday, we waited to see if he would recover. The hours passed so slowly, until 3:50pm. Then, everything happened too fast.
His heart stopped. Hurry, hurry. My drive to the hospital was a complete blur. I walked in the door to see nurses doing CPR on him. I cried into his fur and prayed for a miracle. Knowing that his heart had been stopped for too long, his breath gone. I knew that even if he survived, he wouldn't be the fiesty cat I knew and loved. I hardly remember nodding my head, telling them to stop the compressions on his little body that were giving him the last bits of air, of life.
We went to a room together. A few more minutes to say goodbye. My chest hurt so badly, I could hardly breathe. I had to will the black dots swimming in my eyes away, praying I wouldn't pass out.
Then, the questions. Do you want to bury him, or cremate him? Don't worry about payment, we'll send you a bill. Do you need more time? Yes, I needed more time. I need 14 more years of time.
I'm angry. I'm heartbroken. I feel like my whole world changed in a week. I can't stand walking around my apartment. I can't sleep at night without an Advil PM. I can't stop crying. It's unfair, it's so unfair.
In the same breath, I tell God how mad I am at him, how easily he could have healed Toby. And I beg him to give me some kind of peace and healing.
So, that's where I'm at. I hear it's a day by day thing. I hear a lot of things. I'm hoping something starts to soak in.
Yesterday, I packed up his things. His toys, his water and food bowls. The sweater of mine I wrapped around him in the hospital, willing him to hold on, to fight a little longer.
Rest in peace, my baby boy. You don't have to fight any more.
But, somehow, I do. And I will.
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Monday, August 2, 2010
Sunday, August 1, 2010
All interested candidates apply... immediately.
(And, I'm sorry I wrote the word urine in this post.)