20 Days

Someone told me that it takes 20 days to form a habit.

So, I looked on the calendar and mentally noted a few key dates:

*20 days from Toby's death

*20 days from the end of my relationship

And, I am happy to report that I have figured out a new routine. I have new "habits," per se.

My weekend routine has changed completely.

My night-time routine is 100% new.

New habits and routines have taken the place of old ones, and that's a good thing.

I've never for a second stopped feeling incredibly blessed and thankful.

But I'm feeling truly *happy for the first time in a couple of months- happy about possibility and hope and new beginnings.

But...

Yes, there's a but.

I'll be going along my happy way- usually driving, humming along to a song on the radio, and I'll forget.

In my head, Toby is waiting for me at home.

And I'm mentally noting things to share with my best friend at the end of the day.

And the pain and hurt come slamming into my chest all of the sudden and reality comes crashing back.

Those two things were such a huge part of my "happy" for so long.

Some habits apparently have nothing to do with routine.... and take a bit longer than 20 days.