As all of my faithful followers know, the past few months have been pretty rough for me. And through a lot of heartache and grief, I have started to heal.
But something interesting about the whole process is that I don't have a lot of memories from July through mid-September. It's like I had temporary amnesia.
And, it's not that I blocked it all out. The opposite- I felt every single second of it. But I retreated into myself. It was experiencing sadness and grief and hurt, and I needed to block everything out for a bit. My walls of defense came up.
Something I'm finally realizing, coming out of the worst of that grief and heartache, is that so much of the sadness I felt- and still feel- comes from the death of my dreams.
I had a whole life and future envisioned for myself. I could picture my life so clearly with him. Even Toby was a part of that vision. And, just like that, it all went away.
But the last few weeks, I have felt the spark come back. My zest and energy and dreams. They started slowly trickling at first, and now it's like a waterfall. All of these wonderful dreams. Some small, some big.
New dreams are starting to spring up from the ashes of the old ones.
A couple of weeks ago, I finished a fantastic devotional by Sheila Walsh called "The Heartache No One Sees." It was such a wonderful tool in my healing.
And appropriately, today I started a new devotional by the same author- "God Has A Dream For Your Life."
A week from today, I will be moving into a new house. Big dream, not even on the radar three months ago, now coming true.
For the first time in a long, long time I don't know what's coming next. But I can honestly say... I can't wait to see what it is.